It's my week off, though really it's only a few precious days off because I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday last weekend and I'll do the same this coming weekend (plus 4th of July Monday!). I don't really know what I expected because I (willingly) hadn't made any plans to do anything, but I guess I hoped I'd be more pro-active? or something. There's stuff to be done! But I'm not doing it.
What I am doing, I'm not even sure. The hours seem to pass quickly enough, but I can't honestly account for them. I think I may have fallen too far down the internet rabbit hole.
What am I supposed to be doing? Well, for school I should be reading up on the properties of chocolate, putting together my resume, and finding someplace that will let me extern. At home I should be cleaning and (hopefully) unearthing things to sell on ebay because I have reached a level of fiscal irresponsibility I affectionately refer to as No Joke Broke. It is still illegal to sell a kidney, isn't it?
In the meantime, I have at least gotten some reading done. So far Cleave by Julie Powell, Heat by Bill Buford, and Service Included by Phoebe Damrosch have all been conquered. I've moved on to the fiction aspect of my list and am currently lost on the Yorkshire moors with Catherine and Heathcliff, which is an interesting leap from butchery and modern day restaurant service. But at the moment, Wuthering Heights seems like the perfect partner in my currently bleak mood. I only wish I had a stormy moor to wander aimlessly around.
I think what I want more than anything is to feel excited about all this stuff again, and to feel reassured. The looming prospect of the externship and all of the hopes I had pinned on it are currently suffocating me. Full confession: I was really hoping to use the externship as an excuse to get out of the country for six weeks. Lest you think I'm a slacker in want of an extended vacation, rest assured, I understand and was excited to work for it. I've never lived outside of the country and thought it would be as good chance as any to experience it and when in my life will I again have the opportunity to pack up and head off for six weeks?
And, as embarrassing as it is, I think I'm done with Los Angeles but I don't know where to go. I feel like when I moved to LA from DC I was fleeing something. For once in my life I was hoping to be running to something instead of from something. Externing aboard felt like a way to try out a future.
But you know that part I wrote about being No Joke Broke? Yeah. Externing out of the country would mean not getting paid and having to pay for transport for room and board. So as that happy prospect gets dimmer and dimmer, I'm trying to find something hopeful to rally around. Suggestions?
No comments:
Post a Comment